Precious little bastards
by the-rabbit-of-certain-doom
Summary: A family life AU, where Mrs. Lalonde is mother to Bro,Dave,Dirk and Rose . Mom leaves for a brief vacation and reluctantly leaves bro in charge of the kids. This story is basically dave and dirk being little shits.


"Yeah, yeah ma! I get it already! No soda after six o'clock, bed time is eight thirty, make sure the boys brush their teeth, no swords, make the kids take their vitamins. you've been sayin things for almost an hour already!"

"I know, I know i'm just worried about my babies.. that's all"

"Mom, i'm sixteen now! I'm basically an adult! you can trust me with the little bastards."

eyed the spectacled boy, and pulled her lips into a thin line alerting him of her annoyance. "Language…" she said dangerously.

"Uh.. You can trust me with the little..Uh.. Darlings?" Bro said with uncertainty. In response mom pinched his cheeks and made her way out the door, trailing her pink suit-case behind her. "I expect the boys to behave, and I expect you to behave as well. I've told rose to call me if she doesn't agree with anything so don't think you can slack off"

Bro rolled his glasses shielded eyes at thought that his mom trusted his seven year old sister more than she trusted him. "Okayyyyy! I get it already! Get going!"

Mom got into the waiting taxi, blowing kisses at the kids inside the house and giving bro the "I saw what you just did, and if you dare roll your eyes at me again I will end you" look. Bro waited until he could no longer see the taxi before he let out an exasperated sigh of relief. It's almost scary the way that woman knows every little thing that goes on around her without actually seeing it. He made his way back inside, slamming the door behind him and walked to the living room where the little "darlings" were watching TV.

"You know mom doesn't like it when you slam the door" Rose said in a monotone voice, without looking up from her current coloring session. Bro didn't reply but announced "Yo, while mom is gone you bastards are living under my rule, ya got that?"

Dave giggled and said "can we go to sleep late today bwo?"

Bro knew for a fact that Dave could pronounce an R sound, he only acted like he couldn't so people would think he's cute. Smooth little fuck.

"Sorry little man, mom said your bedtime is eight thirty and she'll kill me if you aren't asleep by nine.." Bro said as he ruffled Dave's blond hair and plopped down next to the boys on the couch. Dirk suddenly whispered something in Dave's ear and made the other boy let out an evil sounding giggle.

"What's so funny?"

Dave giggled again and whispered in dirks ear. Dirk started maniacally giggling.

"What. Is. So. Funny." Bro asked again with a tinge of annoyance in his voice

"Nooothin" dirk replied with a shit eating grin.

"Okay these bastards are onto something.." Bro thought to himself as he looked around for what they could possibly be giggling about. And then he saw it. There was a god damned orange smuppet hanging from the ceiling fan. "What the fuck! Which one of you little pricks went into my fucking room!?" Both boys said nothing, and just stared at him, with that "oh shit i'm in trouble look" plastered on their stupid faces. "Rose! Which one did this?!" Rose turned her head with an annoyed look " It was Dave's idea to do this.. But dirk went into your room. Now stop yelling i'm trying to concentrate!" Both Dave and dirk turned and said simultaneously "Nuh,Uh!"

"Nuh,uh what? Nuh,Uh you didn't do it?" Bro said with a glare

The twins looked to each other and nodded.

"So you're trying to say that neither of you did this? Who did it then?"

"wose" Said the stupid aviator clad idiot.

"I didn't do it, why would I do that?" Rose asked, not talking to anyone in particular.

"Yeah she did!" dirk agreed with Dave.

"Rose didn't do it, stop lying or I'll put you in time out"

As soon as the words "time out" reached the boy's ears they both pointed at each other accusingly "he did it!" and then scowled at each other.

Tired of their shit bro scooped both boys up and pushed them into the time out corner at the end of the hall. "Ten minutes" He stayed long enough to watch dirk attempt to kick Dave and then walked back to the living room.

"Why didn't you do anything to stop them?"

Rose directed her gaze from her coloring to stare at bro with a condescending glare.

"It's not MY job to watch them, and it's your fault for leaving your room unlocked"

Bro didn't exactly know what to reply with so he settled with a scoff noise and took the smuppet off the fan, and set it on the couch. Just as he thought he could relax, bro suddenly heard the sound of feet running up the stairs. "HEY! GET BACK IN TIME OUT" Bro yelled up the stairs.

"Stop yelling so much" Rose said in an irritated voice.

"NANANANA BOO BOO!" Dave yelled down the stairs at bro.

"I'm not gonna catch you"

"NANANANA BOOOOO BOOOOOO" Dirk yelled.

"You guys get back in time out or you're gonna be in big trouble!"

Suddenly there was a loud crashing noise.

"What was that!?" Bro sat up and tried to see if he could see the source of the crash from the couch.

"Dave did it!"

"nuh,uh! Dirk did it!"

"Nuh,UH! DAVEY WAVEY DID IT"

"NUH UH! DORKY DIRKY DID IT!"

"HEY!"

"WHATCHYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, DORK?"

Then there was a loud thump, followed by a series of "ow!" and "stop it!" noises.

Rose looked at Bro, and nudged her head toward the stairs. Telling him silently to put an end to whatever the boys were doing. Groaning, he stood up and walked to the stairs. And quickly realized that the source of the original crash was the result of a wizard statue falling off its pedestal. "Mom's gonna kill me" Bro briefly thought before he took in what was happening half way up the stairs. Dirk had Dave in a headlock and was trying to bite him in the arm and Dave was attempting to elbow dirk in the stomach with his glasses dangling from his ear. Both boys were growling and calling each other names. It was honestly kinda funny to watch.

"Stupid head!"

"Butt face!"

Dave growled at being called a "butt face" and twisted his body so that dirk was knocked to the ground.

As amusing as this was, bro felt like it was time for him to intervene, though he was sure if he let this go any further dirk would have totally kicked Dave's ass

"Alright,alright you two"

The boys didn't even notice bro was there.

"You smell like a dog!" Dirk yelled

"You smell like a butt!"

Dirk growled in response and finally succeeded in biting Dave in the arm. Dave winced, and started to tear up. Dirk bit harder, causing Dave to break out in tears.

Bro finally stepped in, pulling dirk off of Dave and grabbing one twin in each of his arms. Before setting them down on the floor, dirk smiling and Dave sobbing.

"You two are in big trouble!"

Dave started crying harder, and dirk looked to the floor, trying to avoid bro's gaze.

"first you two went into my room and touched my stuff, then you ran away from time out, then you broke mom's thingy, then you started fighting and," Bro pointed at dirk "and you made your brother cry"

Dirk moved his right foot around in circles and mumbled to the ground "Dave called me a dork.."

Dave attempted to stop his sniveling "didn't m-mean it-t…"

Bro sighed "say sorry, both of you"

Dave wiped his eyes with his non-hurt arm "i'm sowwy.."

Dirk somewhat sassily said " sorry."

The older brother looked at him expectantly and dirk reluctantly pulled his twin in for a hug. Dave showed dirk his boo boo and dirk kissed it better, genuinely feeling sorry for hurting his brother. Satisfied with their apology, dirk grabbed the hands of both boys "you're gonna stay in timeout for ten more minutes, and then we can start making dinner. Alright?"

Almost magically Dave immediately stopped his snivels "can we have Doritos, with dinner?" Dirk nodded his head enthusiastically and they both looked to bro with pleading eyes.

"Doritos and pizza rolls? Fuck yeah!" Bro quickly remembered mom's words of "don't let the boys eat any snack food" and added in "but only if you're good and don't tell your sister"

"Okay bwo" they both said in usion (Dave louder than dirk).

After being put in the time out corner once again, bro went back to the living room to watch TV. But was greeted with the sight of his sister interviewing the orange smuppet.

"Yes, yes I understand.. Now please draw a picture of it, to help me understand your trauma"

"Uh rose?"

"What? I'm busy at the moment. I'm about to learn why this fine sir is so afraid of 'the pointy man' "

"What?"

"This poor fellow," rose looked to the puppet as if asking permission. " Has a bad case of PSTD, caused by someone he calls 'the pointy man' "

Bro looked at her and raised an eyebrow but didn't question further "I don't want you to be touching that…"

"Why not?" Rose tucked some hair behind her ear.

"n-no reason"

Rose blinked a few times before her face lit up as if a light bulb just clicked on over her head. "Oh! It all makes sense now!"

"Hmm?"

Rose thrusted her notes into bro's hand. "He drew a picture earlier, he was too afraid to even speak of the pointy man at first" Bro looked down and saw a crudely drawn picture in purple crayon.

"As you can see.. This poor fellow is terrified out of his skin!"

It took a few moments, but bro finally processed what this was supposed to be.

"ROSE!"

"Yes?"

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Stop shouting at me"

"DON'T JUST DRAW PICTURES OF ME GETTING MY FREAK ON WITH THINGS"

"I didn't draw it, he did!" rose pointed at the smuppet for emphasis.

Bro ripped the page out of the notebook and crumpled it.

"Hey! That was important and it was very difficult to draw!"

"So you admit to drawing it?"

"I already told you, the orange fellow drew it"

Bro realized this conversation would lead him nowhere and gave up.

"C'mon sis, im gonna make dinner"

After yelling that time out was over, the twins sprinted into the kitchen, dirk yelling along the way "DORITOOOOSSS!"

"damn it! You weren't supposed to tell your sister!" bro says as the twins playfully attempt to tackle him.

"sowwy"

"sorry"

Bro just ruffles their hair announces "alright, we have pizza rolls,spaghetti or microwave burritos, and for dessert we have Doritos and icecream."

All three kids perked up at "icecream"

Rose tapped bro on the arm almost hesitantly, "can we just have icecream for dinner?" Rose attempts her best puppy dog eyes.

Bro looks down at her, teasingly "I don't know.. boys what do you think, should we let sis get what she wants?"

They nod enthusiastically and dirk asks "can I have dorritos with my ice-cream?" and dave's eyes widen at this amazing idea.

"alright then.. but you guys gotta promise to tell mom nothing of this, kay?"

All three nod, affirmatively.

"okay rose you get bowls, dave spoons, dirk, icecream"

Soon dave's got a bowl of chocolate, Doritos on the side, dirk has chocolate with Doritos smushed in and rose has a bowl of strawberry. Dirk is getting icecream all over the table, dave is getting it all over his face, sometimes even getting it on dirk by the way. He flicks his spoon. Every so often bro would swoop in with a wet paper towel and clean something off of dirk or dave. Rose scrunched her nose "cant they eat normally?"

"you used to eat just as messy as them when you were their age" bro said matter of factly

"I did not"

"did so" bro teased back the best way an older brother knew how, repetition

"did not!"

"did so!"

"did not!"

"you ate like a god damned cow! Just food and drool everywhere!"

"I DID NOT!" rose said angrilly

The twins quickly joined in by saying "DID SO! DID SO! DID SO! DID SO!" in usion repeatedly.

"you idiots weren't even ALIVE when I was your age!"

"bwoooo, she called us idiots" dave tattled in a whiny voice

"stop talking in that stupid whiny voice!"

"rose.." bro started trying to remind her that she was two years older than them and should be more mature than two annoying five year olds. And then the food flew. Rose had clearly flicked a spoonful of icecream directly into dirk's face. Dirk opened and closed his mouth a few times. Trying to process what exactly just happened. Dave's facial expression had gone from blissfully eating icecream to downright murderous in 0.3 seconds. He slowly stood up on his chair, picking his icecream up with his hands and advanced across the table aiming for rose. Bro had just enough time to push her over and take the full impact of dave's icecream homicide attempt. Bro stood up, expressionless,icecream covering his chest and neck. The twins had long since ran away to some unknown area of the house.

Bro cleared his throat, trying to keep his cool."rose.. go to your room. Im gonna take a shower. Leave the boys alone" with that bro left to his room to find a towel and new clothes. He pushed some smuppets from his bed,to retrieve his towel and fist bumped cal who happened to be chilling on the toilet. he rinsed his dirty shirt in the sink to get some icecream out and took out the list of tips mom left for him from his pant pocket.

"If clothes get stained, ask rose for help with bleach. Do not let boys anywhere near bleach"

Bro didn't want to ask rose at the moment so he figured just putting his shirt in a bucket of bleach would be fine. After dealing with his soiled clothes, he took what he thought was a short shower. By his standards yes, a forty five minute shower was actually quite short. bro dried off, fixed his hair, put on a new hat and then got down the stairs. He was greeted with ominous silence, the house was quiet, almost too quiet. With ninja like speed and silence bro sped into the living room trying to see what the kids were doing. To his surprise all three pains in the ass were curled up next to eachother, steadily breathing, eyes closed, sleeping. sure dave was naked and had red paint all over his body, sure dirk's glasses were cracked and he mysteriously was missing a chunk of hair, and sure rose was clutched a beheaded orange smuppet with one hand and a pair of scisors in the other. Both boys had smuppet stuffing stuck to to variousplaces on them and all three suffered minor injuries but they were sleeping. Peacefully sleeping. Bro suddenly felt a twinge of pride at this. Mom totally doubted his rad kid watching skills and was super worried about their wellbeing but look at them. They weren't dead, or crying or bleeding heavily (though dave did have a few bite marks). They were all completely fine and sleeping. Thank god they were sleeping. Bro vaguely remembered All of them were supposed to have taken showers and brushed their teeth before bed, but he really didn't want to wake them up. He didn't think he wanted to know what exactly had transpired during the time he was in the shower. Bro retreated from the living room only to return with some blankets and pillows a few moments later. He carefully put a pillow under rose's head and put a blanket over her, which she gratefully clutched and cuddled against in her sleep. Bro also very carefully put a pillow under dave and dirk, (he really really didn't want to wake them up) and a blanket over them. Dave turned to his side and took most of the blanket with him, so bro attempted to pull it back to make sure dirk was covered enough but accidentally ended up waking the both of them. Dave opened his eyes slowly and blinked,dirk awoke with an immediate sleepy smile.

"shhh go back to sleep" bro whispered.

"only if you sleep out here with us"Dirk yawned

"fine, whatever.."

"i love you bwo" dave mumbled sleepily

"love ya bro" dirk said quietly

"love you too..now go to sleep"

"goodnight bro" said a third voice

"night rose..jeez everyone sleep already!" bro said in a harsh whisper

The twins smiled and rose turned over. Bro took this as a sign that they were finally going to sleep again.

"Stupid bastards are hella annoyin.. but they can be hella cute too I guess" bro thought as his eyes began to close. His last thought before he closed his eyes completely was how he was supposed to explain the carpet stains to mom when she got back


End file.
